Part 9

Here is part 9. This time it is from Mamoru's PoV. As always, keep in mind it is a rough draft, so it needs some editing. #^^#. If you have questions or comments, let me know!

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Still crouching at her feet, Mamoru felt himself slipping deeper into his own thoughts. No matter how hard he tried, he could never understand this girl. Oh, he was able to understand every word that she was saying, but because of the grammar or cultural implication, he can’t understand what she is trying to say. It is frustrating. The only part of the conversation that he completely understood was that he was being rejected.

I should have expected that, he thought. I turned her down once before, and what girl would want to date a man after he’s already told her that they can only be friends?

Suddenly it hit him. This must be how Hannah felt after I brushed off her feelings when she confessed.

Guilt gnawed at his stomach. Although it has been over a year now, Mamoru still remembers that night very clearly: how nervous she was as she slid the small envelop across the bar; the wave of shock that crashed over him as he read over her confession, and the strange mixture of fear and admiration as he considered how long it must have taken her to write the letter in both English and Japanese.

Thinking back on it, he regrets how he handled everything. He should have spoken to her in person or at least checked on her later on to make sure she was truly comfortable with the results. But the entire situation made Mamoru a little uncomfortable; it wasn’t something he could just laugh off, and direct confrontation is something he has always tried to avoid. So when he saw her looking so cheerful and upbeat the next time they met, he assumed everything was okay between them. After all, Hannah did say she would understand no matter what his response was. Not to mention she is America, and Americans are strong and can handle everything, right?

Looking at the tears and the broken expression on her face, Mamoru knew that he was wrong. Hannah might be strong, but of course she was affected by what had happened. Who wouldn’t be? But then why didn’t he notice before now?

She must have wanted to keep it a secret from me.

A dull ache formed in his chest. The idea that Hannah felt she couldn’t be honest with him made Mamoru feel sick. Although there have been a few times when she has hurt him, overall this woman has been nothing but kind and supportive since the day the met. And how did he repay her? By making her cry.

I don’t deserve her. It would be best if I just let her go. But the idea of never seeing Hannah made Mamoru nauseous. I should leave her alone. But I can’t imagine my life without her now. I need her. How do I show her how much I care about her? How much I will change for her?

After twisting his hands around so their palms would be touching, Mamoru threaded his fingers with hers.

“Ha-chan,” he whispered softly. “Can we talk after lesson?” His heart broke a little more when she slowly shook her head no; her eyes refusing to meet his.

“Please,” he pleaded. “Just for a few minutes. I must tell you something. Please.” He would never forgive himself if he left for Tokyo without at least trying to fix his relationship with Hannah.

She stayed silent for awhile then sighed. “Okay,” she mumbled. “We can talk. But for 15 minutes only. I’ve haven’t had any lunch or breaks today, so I am tired.”

“Oh, if you are hungry, we can go to…”

“No!” She interrupted. A fierce crept up to her cheeks when she realized how rude she was being. “Sorry but no. Fifteen minutes only. Okay?”

“Okay.” Mamoru was slightly hurt by her refusal, but she did agree to meet him after this, which was very unexpected. So he couldn’t complain too much.

He glanced at the clock then shot up out of his crouch. “Sorry! Time is finished. I should go speak to the secretary.” After gathering his bags, he moved swiftly to the door but paused before opening it.

“Thank you for the lesson,” he said with his back to Hannah. “I will wait for you downstairs.” Then he quietly slipped into the hallway.

Links part 2

Here are the links for the next few sections. Please enjoy! ^^

Part 5: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-5.html

Part 6: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-6.html

Part 7: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-7.html

Part 8: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-8.html

Story- part 8

Here is the last part for now~

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“Ha-chan… of course I would miss you. “ Mamoru’s voice was filled with disbelief and anguish. “Why do you think I wouldn’t? You are my best friend.”

Hearing him say those words cut straight through her heart. Every time he called her his best friend, she desperately wanted to believe him. But none of his actions have every shown that he thought of her as a best friend. So what did she believe: his actions or his words?

She lifted her head to look at the man sitting across from her; he no longer looked like the man she first met. Gone was his wild hair and slightly cocky smile. Now he seemed so broken.

Hannah’s resolve was weakening. She could tell the drama from last night affected him as badly as it had affected her. It might be a little twisted, but his distress comforted Hannah; it gave her hope that maybe he everything he said last night was true.

“Last night you said you loved me,” Hannah said slowly. “Today, do you still love me?”

The sound of the clock was deafening as Hannah waited for him reply. Even though he said he meant every word from last night, part of her needed to hear him say that he loved her. She knew that she would never be able to fully move on without some kind of verbal confession or rejection.

Bracing herself for the worst, Hannah glanced up to meet Mamoru’s eyes and felt a shock run through her. The storm of regret and confusion had dissipated and all that was left was confidence with a hint of amusement. Suddenly he looked like the Mamoru that had captured her heart.

Slipping silently out of his chair, Mamoru walked over to her and knelt down.

“Yes,” he said quietly. A small fire started burning deep in Hannah’s soul as he placed both of his hands on her knees. “I do. Before we met, I was happy without you. Now I can’t be happy without you. I need you, Hannah.”

A shudder ran down her spine. Since the day they met, Mamoru never used her full name unless he was explaining to someone why he called her Ha-chan. To hear him finally use it was….exciting.

His words, his touch, his smell. Everything was causing Hannah to rethink last night’s decision. At this very moment she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life living happily with this man.

“What will change?”

Hannah’s blood ran cold. She wanted to tell him that she felt the same way, but her mind rebelled and asked the one question that could cause her to have a great start to a good weekend or a horrible start to a terrible one.

“What?”

A headache was starting to form in the middle of Hannah’s forehead. Why did she have to fall in love with the densest man on Earth? With a soft sigh, she reached down and placed her hands over his. “How will our relationship change?”

“We will be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

The headache started to pound. “Of course we will be boyfriend and girlfriend, Mamoru. But what does that mean? What will change? Will we talk more? Email more? Take trips to visit each other?”

“I don’t know.”

“Of course you don’t,” she muttered softly.”You never know.”

Glancing at the clock, Hannah felt a rush of relief; there was only a few minutes left of the trial. “Oh, we only have a few minutes left. Anything else you want to talk about?”

“Yes. Today, do you still love me?”

Her mouth went dry. Although it was a perfectly logical question after the things that were said last night, Hannah wasn’t expecting him to ask it.

And after everything he just said, she was conflicted. The Mamoru she’s seeing right now is the one she desired for so long. He was the right amount of confident and shy and was saying all the right things.

But how long would this Mamoru stay around. History shows that the kind, attentive, and sweet talking Mamoru would only be around for a little while. After a week or two he always starts to drift away until something scared him into sweet mode once again. What if that pattern didn’t change after they started dating? Hannah could suffer through a hot and cold friendship but not a relationship.

“Yes, I do. But,” she said quickly to stop the excitement growing in his eyes. “I can’t be your girlfriend. I’m sorry.”

Those few words destroyed Mamoru. The confidence in his eyes disappeared as his body slumped forward.

“Wakarani,” he mumbled in Japanese. “Why? I don’t understand.”

“Because you love me today. And you loved me yesterday. But I don’t think you’ll love me next week.” A tear ran down her cheek as her throat closed up. In an effort to reign in her emotions, Hannah squeezed her hands. A jolt went through her when she felts her hands flex around something soft but firm; she forgot that Mamoru’s hands were resting on her knees.

Story- part 7

Part 7

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Stepping out into the hallway, she led Mamoru into the classroom that they were going to be using. Luckily Sam left the classroom when Hannah stepped out a few minutes ago. Motioning to the chair across from hers, the two slid into their seats and stared at each other in silence.

“So, how are you,” Hannah began unsure of what to do. She had never had someone that she knew from a different setting come in for a lesson, let alone someone who she had such a history with.

“Mmm I am so-so,” Mamoru answered, looking a little uncomfortable. “How about you?”

“I’m fine, thank you,” she replied as cheerfully as possible.

The tension in the room was almost unbearable. It was clear that the events from last night were fresh on their minds but neither wanted to be the person that brought it up.

To distract herself from the uncomfortableness of the situation, Hannah began shifting through her papers. The feeling of Mamoru’s eyes on her seemed to burn her skin. Even though this was her home turf and she should be calling the shots, she still found herself wanting to fall into the shy customer role.

A shiver ran down her spine as she was struck by a frightening realization: she had turned into the kind of girl she hates. Hannah always said she would never become the kind of woman who let a man turn her life upside down, who let a man make her cry this much. But here she was in heaven one minute and in hell the next with just a few words from this man.

Enough was enough. The games had to stop today.

“Well, since we introduced ourselves a long time ago, I think we can skip that part,” she chirped brightly, but she knew he could tell her cheerfulness was false. “So let’s jump right into the lesson then. I brought a few samples of the different books we use. Hmm, let’s try…”

“Ha-chan,” Mamoru interrupted. “Can we talk?”

Hannah froze. Partially because that is exactly what she did not want to do, but mostly because a small dagger went through her heart when he said her nickname. The nickname that he gave her.

Mentally shaking herself for letting her resolve slip so soon, Hannah pushed the books aside.

“Sure,” she replied with a pained smile. “It is your lesson so we can do whatever you like.”

Mamoru frowned. Slowly his hand stretched across the table to take her hand. “Ha-chan….this isn’t a real lesson. I live in Tokyo now so I can’t come here for….”

“Then why are you here,” she asked bitterly as she jerked her hand away. “I never tried to have a serious conversation while you were working. Sometimes at the bar we talked but always when you were a customer. So why did you come to my work to have this talk?”

The raw pain reflected in his eyes caused Hannah to soften slightly. Even though he had made her cry numerous times since they met, she never wanted to hurt him… for the most part.

Sighing softly, Hannah reached over and set her hand over his.

“I’m sorry,” she said when Mamoru’s eyes finally met hers. “It has been a long day. What do you want to talk about?”

Mamoru stayed silent for a while. A strange look crossed his face; one that was easily recognizable for Hannah. It was the look someone got when they had planned out what they wanted to say, but when the opportunity came up, the words refused to come out.

In an effort to give him a little privacy, Hannah retracted her hand and began to straighten up the table. Since she had no idea what level the trail student would be, she had copied papers from a couple different books. Guess all of this will end up becoming scrap paper. What a waste, she thought mournfully. However, nothing could be done about it; it was obvious that this was going to be a free conversation “trial lesson”.

As more time went by, Hannah’s frustration started to increase. She could have been home by now but instead she was wasting her time with a man who clearly never knows what he wants.

“I am sorry.”

“Huh?” Hannah was dragged out of her thoughts by Mamoru’s voice, “What are you sorry for?”

“For up-setting you last night, I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Glancing down at her hands, Hannah nodded. “I know you didn’t. And I am sorry for hurting you.” Hannah forced herself to look up and meet his eyes. “Did you mean what you said? Were you honest last night?”

“Yes, I do care about you.”

“Would you have kept it a secret from me?”

It was Mamoru’s turn to look away. Hannah could guess what the answer would be, but she decided to let him finish his statement this time. She wanted to hear it come from his own mouth; she wanted to get that little bit of closure.

“Before last night I would keep it a secret, “he finally said. He struggled to say what we was thinking, and Hannah couldn’t help but wonder how much of it was based on language ability and how much was him struggling with his emotions.

“But now I would tell you,” he continued. “I need you, Hannah. I haven’t known you for so long, but I will be lonely without you.”

Everything Hannah has planned to say suddenly escaped her as her heart and mind began to battle once again. Her heart was urging her to tell him that she forgave him and will always be with him. But her mind was pushing her to think about this situation logically. And if there was one thing that Hannah was, it was logical.

“Today you say you need me,” she said slowly. She wanted to make sure he understood everything she said, and, to be honest, she was not sure what direction she was taking this conversation.”But what about tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Will you need me then?”

“Of course!”

“Are you sure,” she asked. Hannah could feel herself tearing up but she managed to push back the tears; now wasn’t the time to cry. “I’ve never been sure about our relationship, Mamoru. It has always been complicated. Some days I think we are great friends and will be friends for a long time. Other days I am afraid that if we stopped talking or if I had to leave Japan, you wouldn’t even miss me.”

Hannah looked away as she made this statement. The idea that he could confirm her one of her greatest fears, that she had wasted a year on this man, chilled her to the bone.

Story- part 6

Part 6

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“I wonder what he looks like,” she muttered as she moved quietly towards the door. Standing off to the side, she slowly pushed back the curtains, peered out, and jumped back from the door in shock.

“Shit,” she swore. “What is he doing here?”

SLAM!

Hannah’s heart nearly leapt out of her chest. Twirling around, she sagged in relief when she saw that the source of the noise was Sam.

“Did you know that Mamoru is your trial student!?” The other girl demanded; her tone was sharp but her eyes were wide with shock,

All the blood drained from Hannah’s face. “What? He’s my trial? I saw him walk by but I thought... I don’t know. But I didn’t think he was my trial student!”

“Well Mariko just welcomed him in and told him to wait for a few minutes since it isn’t time for his trial yet.”

“Shit,” Hannah repeated. She fell into her chair and buried her head in her hands. “Well, I guess the bright side is that I no longer have to worry what level the student is.”

“You’re not seriously going to go through with this trial are you?” Sam hissed. “It is crazy!”

“What can I do? I can’t go in and tell Mariko ‘Oh, I can’t teach this student because I told him last night that that I never want to see him again.” Hannah sighed and leaned back in her chair. “The fact that he is going back to Tokyo tomorrow and he demanded that I teach his lesson means that he is here just to talk to me,”

“Well duh.”

Hannah ignored her. She was still shocked that Mamoru was waiting in the other room; she always assumed that he had no clue where she even worked. Glancing at the clock, Hannah let out a deep groan. She still had about 10 minutes until her trial was scheduled to begin, but, if possible, Mariko liked for them to start trials early. And the longer she waited to start this lesson, the harder it would be to go in there and face him.

“Guess I better go face the music.”

Sam rested her hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Good luck. You’re going to need it. Just don’t hit him or anything. That might be hard to explain.”

“Will try to remember that.”

Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, Hannah stood up, plastered on a fake smile, and walked out into the hallway. Before heading into the main office, she slipped into the bathroom to check on her hair and make-up. If I’ve got to do this, she thought, I’m going to at least look good while I am suffering.

Out of reasons to delay the inevitable, Hannah checked herself out one more time then entered the office.

“Ah, Hannah,” Mariko greeted. “This is Mamoru, your trial,” she continued, oblivious to the look he was giving the teacher. Although his body language was very relaxed and confident, Hannah could see the uneasiness in his eyes.

“Hello,” he said with a hint of a smirk. However the slight fear in his voice showed Hannah how uncomfortable he really was.

Suddenly Hannah’s chest began to ache; she wasn’t ready for this. Ever since last night she was struggling with her decision. For over a year now she has wanted nothing more than to have some kind of relationship with Mamoru even if it was just friendship. Last night he basically offered her the chance to have the relationship she has been dreaming of, and she just threw that chance away. The logical side of her knows that it was the right decision, but the romantic in her is urging her to change her mind; to give him another chance. Until one side was declared the winner, she wanted to have no contact with Mamoru.

But that choice was taken away from her, and now she had to be professional and pretend that this was no different than any other trial. There was no way she was going to explain this situation to her boss.

“Hello,” she replied cheerfully. “It is good to see you.” Hannah glanced up at the clock. “Oh, if you are ready, then we can go on ahead and start,” she offered.

“Sure.”

Story- part 5

Here is part 5!

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“Man, you look like shit,” Samantha commented as she walked into the office.

“Gee thanks. Just what every girl wants to hear,” Hannah replied bitterly. “Sorry,” she apologized instantly after seeing the other woman’s shocked face. “It was a rough night.”

The only thing worse than having a random day off in the middle of the week was having it paired with a night like last night’s. Although Hannah got home sooner that she had originally planned, she spent most of the night crying to herself until finally she drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately that left her with a massive headache that was not helped at all by the early morning alarm clock.

“Oh yeah? What happened?”

Groaning internally, Hannah slumped down onto the ottoman next to the teacher’s work area. Although she didn’t mind telling Sam the details, the wounds were still pretty raw and she really didn’t want to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to fight back the tears. But it is impossible to say such a statement without giving any follow up information.

“I saw Mamoru last night,” she murmured. Her head was bent back against the wall so she could stare at the ceiling; the ceiling was a non-intimidating conversational partner. “He told me that he loves me, and I told him that I don’t want to see him again.”

Samantha froze and stared at Hannah for a minute then shook her head. “So a guy, who you really like, confesses to you and you tell him to get out of your life. No offensive but no wonder you are single.”

“It wasn’t like that!” Hannah snapped. Leaping to her feet, she paced around the room while constantly running her fingers through her hair. “He said he loved me, but it was implied that he was never going to tell me that. Even though I have already confessed before, he was still too afraid to act on his feelings.”

“What a jerk,” Sam said. After grabbing a few books off the shelf, she moved towards one of the smaller classrooms in the main office. “At least you are getting off early tonight. You can get drunk a lot sooner,” she yelled over her shoulder.

“Nope.” Hannah shook her head. “Got a surprise trial. Apparently this guy called early this morning and insisted he have a trial with me today,”

“Wait what?” Sam poked her head out of the classroom. “He insisted he have a trial with you?”

“Yup. Seems like he has looked at our website and blog and felt like I am the teacher for him.”

Samantha’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “And that doesn’t sound creepy at all.” Shaking her head slowly, Sam looked up at Hannah and frowned. “If I were you, I wouldn’t go home alone. Seriously, wait for me after work. This guy sounds creepy and could possibly be waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs.”

“Yeah, I’ll probably do that.” Hannah glanced at the clock and sighed. “Only three more classes to go. At least my last one is the 30 minute trial. Let’s hope it goes well.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

The last half of Hannah’s day seemed to drag on forever. Her little girl had to cancel at the last minute and her adult loved to talk, so preparing for the class took hardly anytime. Normally Saturday was one of her busiest days; teaching several wild children required a lot of before class preparation and even more after class cleaning. After last night, Hannah welcomed the normal Saturday craziness to help keep her from crying. So of course this was the week that everyone decided to cancel or rush through their work.

No matter how hard she tried to distract herself, sitting in an empty classroom always inspired Hannah’s daydreams. Sometimes they were wild and crazy, but most of the time they were reflections of what she wished would happen in real life. Most of the time they involved Mamoru.

The break between her last class and her trial lesson gave Hannah plenty of time to compose new dreams. But the daydreams never came. Instead she kept replaying the night’s events over and over until she could feel herself starting to cry. Whenever she closed her eyes, all she could see was Mamoru’s horrified expression when she said good-bye. Although he had hurt her many times in the past and cost her more tears than she wants to admit, Hannah felt a little guilty for upsetting him. The part of her that still loves him, which is a fairly large part, never wanted to hurt him. But what’s done is done, and now that she has said those words, she can never take them back. All she can do now is hope that they can both move on with their lives.

Suddenly the sound of footsteps echoed through the hallway. Since all of Samantha’s had already cancelled and the footsteps were too slow to be a deliveryman, she knew that the footsteps likely belonged to her trial student.

As the footsteps got closer, Hannah felt herself becoming a little nervous. Though this was definitely not her first trial, she was very unsure about this lesson. Her note was as helpful as ever; all it said was that he was a man somewhere in his twenties and possibly a high beginner or intermediate. There wasn’t even a name on the sheet. The fact that this man specifically asked for her didn’t help soothe Hannah’s nerves at all. The story about the blog could be true, but it would also come off as a little ‘stalkerish’ in her opinion.

Links

Just in case you are afraid of spoiling the story when scrolling down, here are links to the different parts. Hope this makes it easier!

Part 1: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-1.html

Part 2: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-2.html

Part 3: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-3.html

Part 4: http://brishousetsu.blogspot.com/2012/01/story-part-4.html

Story- part 4

Part 4

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A look of shame crossed his face. Glancing down at their joined hands, he seemed to get lost in his thoughts. After a minute or two, he let out a deep breath and looked up to at Hannah.

“I was scared,” he began. “It had been a long time since I had a girlfriend. And you are American. So I didn’t know how Americans are. I thought maybe you don’t like Japanese men.”

A shy smile lit up his face as he continued his confession. “We became friends. And I learned you are cute and gentle. And of course you like Japanese men,” he said with a little wink. “But I didn’t know how long you want to stay in Japan. And because of job I had to move,” Mamoru continued, the humor from his last statement no longer there, “And you should have boyfriend who is in same city. A boyfriend who can take you on dates, go to events with you, take care of you when you have a cold. So I lied so you could get better boyfriend. “

“But,” he said as he reached for her other hand. “I miss you. I don’t want you to have another boyfriend. I want Ha-chan.”

Even though she really wanted to, Hannah couldn’t let herself swoon at his words. Too many times in the past has he said sweet words that eventually led to heartbreak. She wanted nothing more than to jump for joy at his words and throw herself into Mamoru’s arms. But her gut was telling her to be cautious. So she asked the one question that hasn’t failed her yet tonight.

“Why? Why now?”

“I’m sorry,” he said with a confused look. “ I don’t understand.

Inhaling deeply, Hannah shut her eyes and asked “Why did you tell me your feelings tonight? Why didn’t you tell me last time we met?”

“Because you were crying tonight. I didn’t know I hurt you so much.”

A new crack began to form on Hannah’s heart. Although she knew that was the reason for all of this, she was still hoping for a different answer. The matter-of-factness of his tone didn’t help matters at all; it made her feel as though he was treating her so well just to sooth her and not because he really meant anything he just said.

She began to chew on her lip as another question began to brew inside of her, one that she was afraid of the answer.

“If you didn’t see me crying tonight; if you had left with your friends in the taxi,” she asked slowly. “When would you have told me you loved me? Next month? Next year? Or would you have kept it a secret forever?”

His silence told her everything she needed to know.

Struggling to breathe around the lump in her throat, Hannah mumbled “I understand” and quickly stood up and grabbed her things.

“Ha-chan! Wait, I..”

“Stop!” She shouted. The entire bar was silent as she stood there with her eyes and fists clenched tightly shut and her back to Mamoru. Even the patrons who spoke no English were able to follow what was happening. Their body language said enough.

Exhaling heavily, Hannah turned around to look at Mamoru. He was shocked to see her wearing a sad smile.

“I don’t understand, Mamoru,” she said in a watery voice. “You say you love me, but you act like you would never say anything. You love me but you want me to think that we will only be friends. I don’t understand you.”

As she stepped closer to him, Hannah gained more strength. Although she didn’t like it, she knew what she had to do. One of them had to stop this crazy cycle; it had been going on for too long, and too many people had been dragged into it. If he wasn’t man enough to end the madness, then she would.

“I’ve made my move, Mamoru. I told you I like you. When you said ‘just friends’, I worked hard to keep this friendship going when it could have became awkward. I tried not to think too much about your mixed messages: ‘we’re best friends or I worry about you’.

“I gave you so many chances to make your move,” she said, her voice breaking as her tears forced their way to the surface. “So many chances to tell me what kind of relationship we have. But you never did.”

Tears began to fall down her face, and the look of anguish on his face made her want to take back her words. But she knew this was the right decision for her. Maybe even for both of them.

“I keep waiting for you to make a move,” Hannah continued; she was too far into her speech to stop now. “But you never do. You never will. And I can’t wait for something that will never happen. So this is goodbye. When you come back that next time, I won’t come to see you. It hurts too much. Goodbye Mamoru. Good luck with everything.”

As quickly as she could with blurry vision, Hannah rushed out of the bar.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself as the hot tears began to pick up speed as they streamed down her face. Everyone on the street stopped to stare at her, but she no longer cared. She just needed to escape from this nightmare.

Deep down the selfish part of Hannah wished that Mamoru would come chasing after her. Wished that he would fight for her just one time. But she knew that he wouldn’t come; it wasn’t in his character.

Story- part 3

Part 3

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“Come on,” he said softly ad he pulled her to her feet. Pausing long enough to grab a fresh hand towel off the counter, Mamoru led the two of them to the small table in the back of the room. Once seated on the benches, he reached up and began to wipe away the tears on her cheeks with the small towel. For Hannah it was sweet but also embarrassing.

“I’m okay. I promise,” she babbled in an effort to try and save what was left of her dignity. “It is just my allergies. Too much tobacco smoke. And your friends are waiting. Don’t worry. I’m okay.”

Satisfied with his work, Mamoru put down the towel and grabbed her other hand. “Don’t worry about the taxi, Ha-chan. I can get another. What is wrong? Please tell me.”

So many thoughts were racing through her head that Hannah didn’t know what to do or even what to think. Should she be honest? Should she insist she is okay? Finally she decided to open her mouth and just let the words fall out.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” she said as tears began to spill out once again. “I know we are just friends and will only be friends. But I can’t stop thinking about you. Whenever anything happens, you are one of the first people I want to tell. I’ve tried to stop my feelings. I’ve tried to find someone else. And I’ve tried to be happy with just the short time we share. Every minute with you is so troublesome; I am so happy but I also hurt. It is like Heaven and Hell at the same time. There are days when I think I am special to you, and then there are days when I think I am only a customer.”

She paused for a moment to calm down and wipe away the tears now dripping onto her shirt.

“I shouldn’t say this. It is stupid, it is not a good idea, and I will probably regret it but,” deep inhale, “I think I might love you. And I am scared that, even if you never love me and even if I find someone else to love, a part of me always will love you.”

Groaning, Hannah buried her face in her hands. “I’m sorry,” she repeated in a muffled tone. “I shouldn’t tell you this. You said we are friends, and that is okay. It is enough for me. I am happy being friends.”

Mamoru was silent. As time passed by Hannah became afraid that this was going to be the end of them. Several emotions seemed to cross his face, and it was like he couldn’t decide which one was the most appropriate for this situation.

Suddenly he seemed to relax. It was as if the answer he was looking for was suddenly revealed to him. Sliding over so that he was right by Hannah’s side, he leaned in and whispered softly into her ear “Ha-chan, I have a secret, I like you.”

Time froze for Hannah. She could see people moving around them but none of it registered with her; all the sounds in the room faded into white noise. The only thing that kept her grounded in reality was the feeling of Mamoru’s breath brushing against her ear.

“I am sorry, Ha-chan,” he continued. “I said friends only, But I like you. Not like a friend. I lied.”

When she looked into his eye, Hannah’s heart broke a little. So much regret and disappointment was brewing within them.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. But I did; I made you cry.” Unable to handle the guilt he was feeling. Mamoru gazed at the floor; part of him was afraid that if he looked at the girl next to him, he may begin to cry himself.

“Please don’t cry anymore, Ha-chan,” he pleaded quietly. “It hurts when you cry.”

Hannah was dumbstruck. She had been dreaming and fantasizing about this day for so long, but now that it was here, she had no idea what to say. Everything that she was planned on saying has suddenly escaped her mind.

Swallowing hard, Hannah reached over and clasped her hand around Mamoru’s causing him to jerk his head up. Meeting his eyes, Hannah smiled weakly. “It’s okay, Mamoru, It is okay.”

“Eh?!” He gasped in shock. “No! Not okay. I hurt you. I lied. I…”

“Why,” she interrupted.

“Eh?”

“Why did you lie? Why did you say ‘only friends’?”

Story- part 2

Here is part 2. Enjoy!

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After a few more minutes of basking in her fantasies, Hannah lifted her head up and looked towards Mika. She was smiling at her but there was also a hint of sadness in her eyes. Both of them knew that the joy of this moment wouldn’t last for too long.

Mamoru shifted his head to the side and slowly sat up. With a slight groan, he twisted his head side to side in an effort to loosen his stiff muscles.

“Sorry Ha-chan,” he mumbled, his sleep-thick voice sending shivers down her spine. “I am sleepy,”

“That’s okay. You’ve had a busy day.”

“Mmm,” he agreed as he reached for his drink. Hannah was surprised to see he was using his left hand instead of the right one. She was certain that as soon as he sat up he would take back his hand from hers. But the two were still joined on his knee.

One of Mamoru’s friends came over to tell him that their taxi was here. A cold chill ran through Hannah as he detangled their hands and rose to his feet; she wasn’t ready for him to leave yet. But there was nothing she could do. With a small wave and a “see you next time” he was gone.

Maybe it was the alcohol in her system, not that she drank a lot since she has to work tomorrow, or maybe just the stress of the week, but Hannah finally lost the battle with the tears. In the corners of her eyes a pinching feeling began to form and trails of hot water ran down her cheeks. Normally the weight of everyone’s eyes on her would be unbearable but tonight she didn’t care. She was tired of playing games with that man. But no matter how hard she tried to quit him, she continued to go back for more. Tonight was no different. In her mind, the tears were justifiable.

Suddenly the bar door opened and Mamoru stumbled back in with a laugh. His cheeks were red with embarrassment as he spoke to one of the bartenders. But all emotions except for shock fled his face when he laid eyes on Hannah.

“Ha-chan! Are you okay?”

As much as she wanted to assure him that she was fine, Hannah couldn’t lie to him anymore. Fighting to keep her sobs suppressed, she squeezed her lips together and shook her head from side to side.

Dropping his bags, Mamoru rushed over to her and crouched down at her side.

“What’s wrong?” he questioned as he placed a hand over hers.

Closing her eyes in an effort to regain control, Hannah scrubbed at her cheeks with her shirt sleeve. Never before had she felt like such a child.

“I’m fine,” she said although the thickness of her voice implied otherwise. “Don’t worry. Oh! You have a taxi waiting for you. You should go.”

Frowning, Mamoru turned and spoke to someone behind him and then gently grasped Hannah’s hand.

Story- part 1

Here is the first part I have written. It isn't the beginning of the story itself, but it is the part that has inspired me to write again.

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The weight of his head on her shoulder made Hannah`s heart skip a beat. It was sad how the smallest of gestures from this one man could cause her to turn into a thirteen year old girl.

Suddenly Mamoru shifted causing his lips to brush against her neck. A fierce blush made its way across Hannah`s cheeks as he inhaled and muttered `you smell pretty.`

`Oh, thank you,` she stammered, silently cursing her inability to speak to this man in any language. `It`s new.`

`Hmm…it suits you,` he mumbled into her neck.

A shiver ran down her spine. Slowly she slid her hand underneath the counter and brushed it against his. She let it rest there for a few minutes while she waited to see what happened.

But nothing did.

Letting out a soft sigh, Hannah started to pull her hand up when suddenly Mamoru wrapped his hand around hers.

Although it was silly and a little childish, she couldn`t stop the tears welling-up in her eyes. Struggling to keep them at bay, Hannah gently squeezed Mamoru`s hand and felt her heart skip a beat when he squeezed back.

Feeling unusually bold, Hannah bent her neck slightly to the side so that her head was lightly resting on top of his. She was prepared to have him shake her off and sit back up, but all he did was lift their joined hands and place them on his knee.

For the first time in awhile, Hannah felt purely content. Her mind wasn`t racing through the multiple problems she was facing or the possible solutions. Instead it was focused purely on the joy she was feeling deep in her heart. At the moment, all that mattered was her connection to this man.

But deep inside Hannah’s heart was breaking. She knew that, come tomorrow, this would all be another footnote in the story of their relationship. After tonight he’ll go back to being her hot and cold keeper while she’ll go back to the girl who just can’t get over him.

Glancing down, she noticed that Mamoru’s eyes were closed and his breathing had fallen into a steady pace.

Hoping that he was actually sleeping, Hannah closed her eyes and whispered so softly that it was almost impossible to hear:

“Even though I know you will never love me, I will never regret these moments even if they cause me pain later on. I’d rather have a few pain-filled moments with you than have a painless life without you.”

A single tear rolled down her cheek and fell into his hair. Squeezing her eyes shut, Hannah tried to imprint this moment directly onto her heart so that she could have something to comfort her on the hard days.

Introduction

Hi everyone~

This blog is my way of motivating me to work on my writing.

The posts will be pieces of a story I am writing. Sometimes they'll be out

of order or edits of previous sections, but I hope you will all enjoy them.

If you have any questions or comments, let me know. All of the story parts

are rough drafts, so I appreciate any feedback you can give me to make it better.

Thanks!