Stepping out into the hallway, she led Mamoru into the classroom that they were going to be using. Luckily Sam left the classroom when Hannah stepped out a few minutes ago. Motioning to the chair across from hers, the two slid into their seats and stared at each other in silence.
“So, how are you,” Hannah began unsure of what to do. She had never had someone that she knew from a different setting come in for a lesson, let alone someone who she had such a history with.
“Mmm I am so-so,” Mamoru answered, looking a little uncomfortable. “How about you?”
“I’m fine, thank you,” she replied as cheerfully as possible.
The tension in the room was almost unbearable. It was clear that the events from last night were fresh on their minds but neither wanted to be the person that brought it up.
To distract herself from the uncomfortableness of the situation, Hannah began shifting through her papers. The feeling of Mamoru’s eyes on her seemed to burn her skin. Even though this was her home turf and she should be calling the shots, she still found herself wanting to fall into the shy customer role.
A shiver ran down her spine as she was struck by a frightening realization: she had turned into the kind of girl she hates. Hannah always said she would never become the kind of woman who let a man turn her life upside down, who let a man make her cry this much. But here she was in heaven one minute and in hell the next with just a few words from this man.
Enough was enough. The games had to stop today.
“Well, since we introduced ourselves a long time ago, I think we can skip that part,” she chirped brightly, but she knew he could tell her cheerfulness was false. “So let’s jump right into the lesson then. I brought a few samples of the different books we use. Hmm, let’s try…”
“Ha-chan,” Mamoru interrupted. “Can we talk?”
Hannah froze. Partially because that is exactly what she did not want to do, but mostly because a small dagger went through her heart when he said her nickname. The nickname that he gave her.
Mentally shaking herself for letting her resolve slip so soon, Hannah pushed the books aside.
“Sure,” she replied with a pained smile. “It is your lesson so we can do whatever you like.”
Mamoru frowned. Slowly his hand stretched across the table to take her hand. “Ha-chan….this isn’t a real lesson. I live in Tokyo now so I can’t come here for….”
“Then why are you here,” she asked bitterly as she jerked her hand away. “I never tried to have a serious conversation while you were working. Sometimes at the bar we talked but always when you were a customer. So why did you come to my work to have this talk?”
The raw pain reflected in his eyes caused Hannah to soften slightly. Even though he had made her cry numerous times since they met, she never wanted to hurt him… for the most part.
Sighing softly, Hannah reached over and set her hand over his.
“I’m sorry,” she said when Mamoru’s eyes finally met hers. “It has been a long day. What do you want to talk about?”
Mamoru stayed silent for a while. A strange look crossed his face; one that was easily recognizable for Hannah. It was the look someone got when they had planned out what they wanted to say, but when the opportunity came up, the words refused to come out.
In an effort to give him a little privacy, Hannah retracted her hand and began to straighten up the table. Since she had no idea what level the trail student would be, she had copied papers from a couple different books. Guess all of this will end up becoming scrap paper. What a waste, she thought mournfully. However, nothing could be done about it; it was obvious that this was going to be a free conversation “trial lesson”.
As more time went by, Hannah’s frustration started to increase. She could have been home by now but instead she was wasting her time with a man who clearly never knows what he wants.
“I am sorry.”
“Huh?” Hannah was dragged out of her thoughts by Mamoru’s voice, “What are you sorry for?”
“For up-setting you last night, I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Glancing down at her hands, Hannah nodded. “I know you didn’t. And I am sorry for hurting you.” Hannah forced herself to look up and meet his eyes. “Did you mean what you said? Were you honest last night?”
“Yes, I do care about you.”
“Would you have kept it a secret from me?”
It was Mamoru’s turn to look away. Hannah could guess what the answer would be, but she decided to let him finish his statement this time. She wanted to hear it come from his own mouth; she wanted to get that little bit of closure.
“Before last night I would keep it a secret, “he finally said. He struggled to say what we was thinking, and Hannah couldn’t help but wonder how much of it was based on language ability and how much was him struggling with his emotions.
“But now I would tell you,” he continued. “I need you, Hannah. I haven’t known you for so long, but I will be lonely without you.”
Everything Hannah has planned to say suddenly escaped her as her heart and mind began to battle once again. Her heart was urging her to tell him that she forgave him and will always be with him. But her mind was pushing her to think about this situation logically. And if there was one thing that Hannah was, it was logical.
“Today you say you need me,” she said slowly. She wanted to make sure he understood everything she said, and, to be honest, she was not sure what direction she was taking this conversation.”But what about tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Will you need me then?”
“Of course!”
“Are you sure,” she asked. Hannah could feel herself tearing up but she managed to push back the tears; now wasn’t the time to cry. “I’ve never been sure about our relationship, Mamoru. It has always been complicated. Some days I think we are great friends and will be friends for a long time. Other days I am afraid that if we stopped talking or if I had to leave Japan, you wouldn’t even miss me.”
Hannah looked away as she made this statement. The idea that he could confirm her one of her greatest fears, that she had wasted a year on this man, chilled her to the bone.
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