A look of shame crossed his face. Glancing down at their joined hands, he seemed to get lost in his thoughts. After a minute or two, he let out a deep breath and looked up to at Hannah.
“I was scared,” he began. “It had been a long time since I had a girlfriend. And you are American. So I didn’t know how Americans are. I thought maybe you don’t like Japanese men.”
A shy smile lit up his face as he continued his confession. “We became friends. And I learned you are cute and gentle. And of course you like Japanese men,” he said with a little wink. “But I didn’t know how long you want to stay in Japan. And because of job I had to move,” Mamoru continued, the humor from his last statement no longer there, “And you should have boyfriend who is in same city. A boyfriend who can take you on dates, go to events with you, take care of you when you have a cold. So I lied so you could get better boyfriend. “
“But,” he said as he reached for her other hand. “I miss you. I don’t want you to have another boyfriend. I want Ha-chan.”
Even though she really wanted to, Hannah couldn’t let herself swoon at his words. Too many times in the past has he said sweet words that eventually led to heartbreak. She wanted nothing more than to jump for joy at his words and throw herself into Mamoru’s arms. But her gut was telling her to be cautious. So she asked the one question that hasn’t failed her yet tonight.
“Why? Why now?”
“I’m sorry,” he said with a confused look. “ I don’t understand.
Inhaling deeply, Hannah shut her eyes and asked “Why did you tell me your feelings tonight? Why didn’t you tell me last time we met?”
“Because you were crying tonight. I didn’t know I hurt you so much.”
A new crack began to form on Hannah’s heart. Although she knew that was the reason for all of this, she was still hoping for a different answer. The matter-of-factness of his tone didn’t help matters at all; it made her feel as though he was treating her so well just to sooth her and not because he really meant anything he just said.
She began to chew on her lip as another question began to brew inside of her, one that she was afraid of the answer.
“If you didn’t see me crying tonight; if you had left with your friends in the taxi,” she asked slowly. “When would you have told me you loved me? Next month? Next year? Or would you have kept it a secret forever?”
His silence told her everything she needed to know.
Struggling to breathe around the lump in her throat, Hannah mumbled “I understand” and quickly stood up and grabbed her things.
“Ha-chan! Wait, I..”
“Stop!” She shouted. The entire bar was silent as she stood there with her eyes and fists clenched tightly shut and her back to Mamoru. Even the patrons who spoke no English were able to follow what was happening. Their body language said enough.
Exhaling heavily, Hannah turned around to look at Mamoru. He was shocked to see her wearing a sad smile.
“I don’t understand, Mamoru,” she said in a watery voice. “You say you love me, but you act like you would never say anything. You love me but you want me to think that we will only be friends. I don’t understand you.”
As she stepped closer to him, Hannah gained more strength. Although she didn’t like it, she knew what she had to do. One of them had to stop this crazy cycle; it had been going on for too long, and too many people had been dragged into it. If he wasn’t man enough to end the madness, then she would.
“I’ve made my move, Mamoru. I told you I like you. When you said ‘just friends’, I worked hard to keep this friendship going when it could have became awkward. I tried not to think too much about your mixed messages: ‘we’re best friends or I worry about you’.
“I gave you so many chances to make your move,” she said, her voice breaking as her tears forced their way to the surface. “So many chances to tell me what kind of relationship we have. But you never did.”
Tears began to fall down her face, and the look of anguish on his face made her want to take back her words. But she knew this was the right decision for her. Maybe even for both of them.
“I keep waiting for you to make a move,” Hannah continued; she was too far into her speech to stop now. “But you never do. You never will. And I can’t wait for something that will never happen. So this is goodbye. When you come back that next time, I won’t come to see you. It hurts too much. Goodbye Mamoru. Good luck with everything.”
As quickly as she could with blurry vision, Hannah rushed out of the bar.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself as the hot tears began to pick up speed as they streamed down her face. Everyone on the street stopped to stare at her, but she no longer cared. She just needed to escape from this nightmare.
Deep down the selfish part of Hannah wished that Mamoru would come chasing after her. Wished that he would fight for her just one time. But she knew that he wouldn’t come; it wasn’t in his character.
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